here’s a good laugh..?
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM . The man hurriedly dressed and told his over to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’ She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can Be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’ The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘Not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! ‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ so, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. ‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said, ‘pretend you’re a statue.’ ‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied, ‘the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths And nobody offered me a damned thing.’
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. ‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’
‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?’ ‘Ten cents,’ the barman replied. ‘Ten cents?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’ The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’ The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’ The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’ ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, Her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’ she replied, ‘now just rest and let the poison work.’
i know it cost me 5 points… but i just wanna make you laugh.. have fun… nad make sure that your partner never does this
Answer by sweetfx08
hahah i liked the 1st one =]
Answer by Cosmo
Haha them are good riddles.
Thanks for posting them : )
Answer by djbflsdlfdsffdsdfsdfsdfdf
So much cooler than pie xD
How do I woo her back?
I’m 17, My girlfriend is 18. She has recently “joined” the army (going through PT). After 2 wonderful, non-regrettable years and a 6-month daughter I have with her, she comes up to me and just 18 hours ago from now an tells me with all seriousness, letting go of her grasp on my hand, that she wants to “take a break” and is possibly thinking of breaking up. Without a pause she tells me that she “thinks” she’ll be unfaithful to our relationship, to me, while on active duty stationed wherever, and cheat on me, within the 4 years of active duty, and possibly fall in love with another soldier. Now this might not make since until I mention this – when we were first going out she “mentioned” she was sort of a sex freak. Not like a nymphomaniac, but she feels that she won’t be able to control her physical urges, and she’ll do something in the heat of the moment. She also says that due to this she is “thinking” about breaking up, so if this does happen she won’t have a guilt trip. I talked to the school psychologist and she says that its out of my control, and i should give her space immediately. But is it really that simple?
I initially agreed to the “time off”, but this is driving me nuts. I don’t know if this excuse means that she is falling out of love, or if she has already caught interest in another man. Can I question her? She has had a rough childhood, but I believe that she has the power to get through this for 4 years based on these past two years I’ve been with her. Can telling her that “I am here and always will be” really the only thing I can do? Am I wrong to question her based on my overwhelming love for her? Can I not present her with pictures/memories of good times? Can I not sit down and tell her how much her just being alive and breathing has such an effect on me? How she is the woman that that I can image falling asleep to and waking up to everyday for the rest of my life? It has been 18 hrs(like stated above) and i do not see her till monday(It’s a friday today) and of all days Valentine’s day. Can I present to her a final stand on Monday? How do I woo this girl that is doing everything in her power to ignore me, detach from me, and sever these bonds we have? Can i take this to anyone else: her sister who she looks up to? Her 10th grade english teacher who is like a 2nd mom to her? Can i even go to her recruiter and ask if there is a solution? Would doing something such as couples counseling have a positive effect? Can i tell her that i love her and get the same message back? Is there anyway I can re-establish this relationship and re-establish her confidence in herself?
I tried to not freak out today, but seeing her act normal and smile and be huggy with her guy friends just made a knot in my stomach 10x over. How can she go from funny charismatic etc. with friends, people she knows just by conversing, but the second she sees me she frowns/angry faces at me and becomes aloof, from me, the man who cares most about her and she knows i do? How can she possibly think it’s the easiest thing for her when it’s the hardest for me?
I feel she can do this. She has a picture of our daughter and she most likely will take it with her. Can she really see that baby’s face, which the baby looks more like me than her, and say to herself, ” It’s okay, i broke up with daddy so i can get my freak on” and not have and consequences? If her answer is to break up how do I go along with seeing the baby ( its in her custody, but i have permission visitation, and she is very flexible with letting me see the baby?
I guess what I’m trying to ask is how do I get the mother of my child, My dream wife, My soulmate, back from this deep abyss of self-doubt and loneliness that she has?
Answer by NavaraR
The military changes you. It makes you a different person. Even if she came back and seemed the “same”, she wasn’t.
Now that she’s no longer a civilian, she has an entirely new world. People tend to trust more in the military, making it easier for men to approach women and women to approach men. The likelihood of rapes, thefts, and diseases (while they still do happen) are arguably less in the military than in the civilian world. The ratio of males to females is quite steep. An entire new world just opened up to this girl, on top of her being changed naturally by military life.
Marriages and relationships have a way of dissolving in the military. There is a lot of cheating and a lot of extra marital affairs. If anything, she did you a favor by breaking up with you now. That is more of a courtesy than a lot of people have.
I know these are all things that you don’t want to hear, but they are very true. This is the reality of the world we live in. There are many military members who stay together and have happy, healthy, monogomous relationships.
My advice to you is ensure that she still knows you care. Make sure she knows she is very loved. But then, on the same note, tell her you will give her her space. She needs time to get out and explore this new world. While she may fall in love, rest assured that more than likely it won’t last. Does that mean she will come back to you? Not necessarily. Just be there, patiently for her.
Good luck to you both.
I Just Inherited 30+ guitars?
My brother has been collecting guitars since the 80′s and he recently passed away and left them all to me (including amps, thousands of strings, straps, picks, foot pedals etc). I have NO interest in them but can’t get rid of them yet for sentimental reasons. He and his wife lived in a very large house and he had a room dedicated to his guitars. While I certainly appreciate her generosity by inisting on me taking them, I have NO ROOM for 26 guitars, 7 amplifiers and tons of gadgets.
She’s a great woman and he left her very finanically fit so it’s not like she needed to sell them for cash but I don’t know what to do with them as I know nothing about guitars and have no interest in playing them.
How can I learn their values? I’m going to list a few that I know and anything you can tell me about value etc. would be greatly appreciated. I do know he bought several many years ago that were not expensive so I may just be receiving a bunch of junk but again, I have no clue.
1. Harmony accoustic – I know this is very cheap
2. Ibanez ex270 w/Floyd Rose (whoever that is)
3. Epiphone Les Paul (sunburst)
4. 3 Fender Squire Stratocasters (1 White/1 Blue/1 Black)
5. Takamine G Series accoustic
6. Michael Kelly Patriot Premium (I’m keeping this one as it is beautiful)
7. Fender Stratacaster (Made in Mexico)
8. 3 Fender Strat (Made in USA) all made between 1979-1987
9. Hoffner violin looking bass (made in Germany) looks like Paul McCartney’s
10. BC Rich thin looking accoustic/electric (top says Accoustic Model)
12. Gibson Les Paul (note in case says made in 1964- it looks old)
13. Jackson JS23 electric
14. Fender (black) Catalina accoust
15. Fender Duosonic (case has note saying 1962 or 1963
16. Kramer V Shaped guitar (electric)
17. Sigma 12 String accoustic
18. Cort electric with two necks (very strange looking w/case)
***113 packs of electric strings
***33 packs of accoustic strings (will these go bad over time)
***about 1000 Fender picks (all white and say “thin” on them)
***23 guitar straps
***4 boxes of Seymour Duncan pickups
***4 Fender necks (no tuner things – just necks- none say Fender. He has a note w/rubber band on each that says FENDER on each.
***3 Electronic Tuners still in box
***3 10 ft. cords
***10 20 ft cords
***Cry Baby (looks like some kind of foot pedal)
***same type of pedal but says EVH on it (Van Halen I assume)
17 little pedas that are all different colors and say “Distortion” “Reverb” “Grunge” you get the point, don’t want to sit and jot them all down but there are 17 of them)
18. Digitech looper
19. A box labeled (CAPO)- there are 11 of them in the box
** Zakk Wylde Epiphone (white with black circles – looks like a target)
***3 Marshall Mini-Stacks
***1 Marshall stack
***1 Line 6 Spider amp
Thanks in advance …. any help with what to do with these is appreciated.
Please post here or contact me at otcu1972 @ yahoo . com
Answer by johnnyb1891
If the Fender or Les Paul guitars were really made in the early 60s, they could easily be worth 5 figures, depending on the shape. I recommend contacting your local guitar or music store and getting them appraised/refurbished or what have you.
Answer by ‚ô•‚ô•The Queen Has Spoken‚ô•‚ô•
Your best bet would be to contact a collector about the worth of these.
Yes the one with two necks are odd looking but were awesome instruments too.
Answer by Kevin J
Go to a local guitar store, preferably local as they tend to have more knowledgeable people than the big stores like Guitar Center. The American Strats could probably fetch over $ 1000 easily depending on condition, the 60′s Les Paul (if it’s from the 60′s, have someone check it out) could be worth be money in the neighborhood of 5 figures is it’s in good condition, several thousand minimum. 60′s Les Pauls are extremely hard to come by. The Kramer could also potentially be valuable. The rest of the guitars are all probably worth a couple hundred or so.
As for the rest, strings can go bad if they’re exposed to too much moisture, but they last last a long time generally. The straps are probably worth a bit. Seymour Duncan pickups are good quality and could easily go for $ 50 apiece possibly more. All of the peddles are worth money, you’d have to look them up individually. The full Marshall stack could also be worth a couple thousand if it’s a quality model.
And yes, those Michael Kelly’s are beautiful guitars and actually sound and play nice as well.